I want to have a really hetero life and … have children and … build a family and those kind of things with my partner and look forward to doing that … and I’d love to … grow old with someone. 22-year-old Zane (pseudonym) from Melbourne wanted to mimic his parents’ successful marriage of 30 years: Parental approval can matter as much for young gays as it does for young straights and anecdotal evidence I heard while interviewing gay men of all ages suggested that for some young gay men marriage would ensure their parents’ approval. Many of the young men I spoke to, however, complained of the impoverished relationships gay men formed there. For example, I have argued that bars and clubs are the only safe space for gay men to congregate and socialise in large numbers. These are not always uniform or supportive.
Marriage and children may appeal to young gay men because the alternative is to place their trust in community organisations and the social practices of the gay world. Maintaining gay relationships without church or state sanction takes courage and perseverance. It would also suit gay religious observers who want to make peace with their church and vicar or synagogue and Rabbi and be accepted by them. Gay marriage would suit propertied gays and social conservatives who want the security of marriage for their relationships. Others argued that the push for same-sex marriage is having a “mainstreaming” effect on gays and lesbians, that is, that they are being turned into “pseudo straights”. North American sociologist Martha Fowlkes called these gay rebels “marriage non-conformists”. Children from surrogacy or informal insemination between gays and lesbians became more common in the early 2000s. Often these men would live separately but share a bed, kitchen and living room when it suited, a relationship that sociologists call “living apart together”.īy the late 1990s, these relationships had developed to include informal “families” that could include former boyfriends or girlfriends, supportive siblings and children from former heterosexual relationships. The acknowledgement of friends, and sometimes siblings and parents, was enough public acceptance. In the early days, these relationships were as simple as two men regarding themselves as an item.
#OLDER GAY MEN HOW TO#
In the early 1970s, feminists and gay liberationists asked their followers to think about how to liberate their own needs from the constraints of family, and experiment with alternative forms of intimate relationships, very different to the idea of nuclear family: heterosexual married parents with biological children. One aspect of same-sex marriage that could confuse older gay men, and possibly also lesbians, is that it is at odds with beliefs they might have formed when they were young. We must ensure that same-sex marriage should it be legalised does not further sideline their experiences. It is vital that we listen to their perspectives, because older gay men are an already marginalised group, experiencing greater financial and social insecurity than younger men. I suspect this is because they do not want to be accused of betraying their own kind or exhibiting “internalised homophobia”, which for decades has been the accusation hurled at gay people who do not conform to the prescribed norms of the sub-culture.
These older men have largely remained silent in the current same-sex marriage debate. While these results may not apply directly to Australia in 2017, they are indicative of a generational divide between young and old gay men. Most of the men over 50 were dubious, if not opposed, to gay marriage, while most of those under 30 were supportive. In 2013, I interviewed a small international sample of men as part of my research on sexuality and ageing.
We know that generally older Australians are less supportive of same-sex marriage. He is typical of many older gay men who are bemused by the younger generation’s desire for marriage, reflecting the radically different experiences of those who grew up in far more restrictive and intolerant decades. This is what a 59-year-old black gay activist in Los Angeles told me of his views on same-sex marriage. I … don’t for the life of me understand why the gay community has decided to emulate an institution that doesn’t work for even straight people … It is laughable